Monday, January 21, 2013

learning to love

I was raised in a loving home with my mother and little sister. The only man in the house was my dog. Now that I am starting my own life I am seeing that I am out of my element around men and love. It is foreign to me how to act out my feelings around men. Flirting is fun and comes to easily to me, but anything after that I get scared and chase them away. I’ve had insecurities with myself and I think I can say I love myself inside and out, but I am never sure if I truly believe what I am saying. Everyone around me can see that I cant open up, and I don't even know where to begin. I need to start opening up my heart and letting people in. I want to start feeling good being cuddly with men and it meaning something. I want to stop feeling so awkward around men and get serious.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Awaiting life

Being home again I am more relaxed; at the same time extremely bored again. I need to have someone who understands me. People thing they do, most assume they do, but no one does. Who else has grown up with absolutely no male influence and with a irrational untrust for them. Now that I am of age it should be time for me to be looking but I am terrified of men. The feelings that I feel are just to real for me to handle. I live in this world with no sorrow and just joy and laughter. When I am not there I am this innocent lonely 2-year-old yelling out to be held and comforted but no one is there to step in. I am disappointed in the reality and accept that it is me and my “defect”. i can be surrounded by all my friend and still feel very alone. I laugh to much, so that makes me sad deep inside. I eat in an abnormal way, so that means I have tension. I cry at the littlest thing, so I am innocent and soft hearted.  Knowing all of this is helpful in understanding, but I am still missing something that can explane the untrust of the world. Im looking for something that can help me be more open. It is unhealthy how much anxiety I have towards going back to school. It isn’t the school or the work; it is my own head and the life I live in the city.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

First Reactions

I am not sure how to feel. On one hand I am curious, and the other I am angry, not of my mother but of the system that is put in place to find my father, and how they believe who I am. The system calls me a donor-conceived child/offspring. I am a donor baby, but that is not who I am. I am a child, my name is Kathryn, who is just looking for herself in the big world. I am just like everyone else. I don’t ask for money, I just seek to know what I have of my moms and what I have from of my other half. Being degraded to donor-conceived is worse then not knowing whom your father is. I just a vile of frozen sperm to the government. What rights do I have? Because of the anonymous donor contract I do not have the right to know who helped create me. I understand that it wasn’t the attention to, but they didn’t take into consideration what would happen when we all grew up. The unintended consequences are being studied and looked at in courts, but that doesn’t help the grown ups who live with this consequence daily. There are cases where “donor-conceived” people are connecting with newly found sibling and eventually their biological fathers.

Being known as the girl who doesn’t have a father doesn’t bug me. It’s just a fact that I do not have one. I do miss out on things others take for granted, but that doesn’t faze me from my day-to-day life. I am only curious to see where I came from. Seeing the similarities from someone other than my mom. I could never say I got my eyes from my mom and my hair from my dad. I no the obvious eyes from my Asian mother, but everything else could be from my mom and then again could be from my biological father. Ever time I say I got something from my mom there is a un-serenity that it could also be from the other half of me. There is just no way to tell right now.

Researching donor children, I am finding that I am certainly not alone on feeling this way. There are too many testimonies of the same feelings and thoughts that I am having. Some are angry, in the choice that they did not make. Others are being curious and just searching for their donor father. Then there are a few that were like me just last week. Not caring, not even looking to find the other half of them. They believe they understand when someone doesn’t have a parent there, but at the same time no one understands them. Its hard to find one if any in the same situation.  It doesn’t feel negative, there is just an unexplained piece that doesn’t fit quite right yet. In searching and hopefully finding my other half, I will be able to fit that piece in.