I was raised in a loving home with my mother and little sister. The only man in the house was my dog. Now that I am starting my own life I am seeing that I am out of my element around men and love. It is foreign to me how to act out my feelings around men. Flirting is fun and comes to easily to me, but anything after that I get scared and chase them away. I’ve had insecurities with myself and I think I can say I love myself inside and out, but I am never sure if I truly believe what I am saying. Everyone around me can see that I cant open up, and I don't even know where to begin. I need to start opening up my heart and letting people in. I want to start feeling good being cuddly with men and it meaning something. I want to stop feeling so awkward around men and get serious.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Being home again I am more relaxed; at the same time extremely bored again. I need to have someone who understands me. People thing they do, most assume they do, but no one does. Who else has grown up with absolutely no male influence and with a irrational untrust for them. Now that I am of age it should be time for me to be looking but I am terrified of men. The feelings that I feel are just to real for me to handle. I live in this world with no sorrow and just joy and laughter. When I am not there I am this innocent lonely 2-year-old yelling out to be held and comforted but no one is there to step in. I am disappointed in the reality and accept that it is me and my “defect”. i can be surrounded by all my friend and still feel very alone. I laugh to much, so that makes me sad deep inside. I eat in an abnormal way, so that means I have tension. I cry at the littlest thing, so I am innocent and soft hearted. Knowing all of this is helpful in understanding, but I am still missing something that can explane the untrust of the world. Im looking for something that can help me be more open. It is unhealthy how much anxiety I have towards going back to school. It isn’t the school or the work; it is my own head and the life I live in the city.